Ok to Cry

 How often do you cry?

Crying doesn’t follow a schedule. Sometimes it will hit me out of nowhere, suddenly something will cause my chest to feel tight and my eyes to start stinging. Other times it will build up slowly. I won’t notice the pressure until it finally spills over. 

When I was little, I cried all the time over anything. If something didn’t go my way, or if I didn't get what I wanted I would cry. It helped that I had an older sister who would baby me no matter what, so I knew that crying worked. My parents would also usually give in, and crying kind of became my default reaction. As I got older, that changed. Crying started to make me feel weak, dramatic, or that I couldn’t handle things.

I have always been a sensitive person. I overthink small reactions and moments that other people brush off. I notice tones in voices and faces and take them personally. I remember one time in middle school, I was sitting at lunch with my friends, and one of them told me to move so her other friend could sit down. She said, “Don’t be a brat, Shreya, just move.” It wasn’t even that serious. The second she said it, my eyes filled up immediately, and before I could stop it, I was crying in front of everyone. Once I start crying, I can’t stop.

Everyone at the table noticed, which made it so much worse. People kept asking if I was okay, and that just made me cry harder. When I finally tried to explain why I was upset, I thought people would understand. Instead, people said, “She didn’t mean it like that,” and “You’re overreacting.” I was so embarrassed. Why did I cry over something so small?

That moment stuck with me. I didn’t want to be the person who cried over everything or that was too sensitive. After that, I don’t think I cried in public again in middle school. Even when I felt it building up, I would just swallow it, blink it away, and distract myself.

I remember going to my friend’s graduation last year. I knew she was leaving, and I knew I was going to miss her a lot, so I expected to cry. Everyone around me was emotional, hugging, tearing up, but I just stood there with no tears. I felt sad, but it was like there was a wall blocking everything from coming out. That scared me more than crying ever did because I felt empty.

I realized that pushing feelings down doesn't make them disappear. It just builds up. I would go all day holding everything in, acting like I was fine, and then the second something small happened at home (parents yelling, school stress, etc.), I would completely break down. It wasn't because of the trigger, it just let out the emotions that have been building up for a while. Not just crying, but also not being able to breathe, and my face swollen from crying for so long. My parents would call them panic attacks.

At the same time, after it was over, I would feel lighter and freer. Crying can feel embarrassing, especially in public. It can feel that you have lost control, or you are exposing too much of yourself. However it is also one of the most natural ways your body deals with emotions. For a long time, I tried to put crying into a box. I would try to only cry at the right times, in the right places, and for the right reasons. 

I am still figuring it out. I don’t cry as easily in public anymore, but I am also trying to let myself feel things when they happen instead of saving it all for later because holding everything in just makes it heavier.