The Weight of Perfectionism

Do you have perfectionist tendencies, or would you call yourself a perfectionist? Why or why not?  What behaviors and/or actions would support your self-assessment? 

For the longest time, I never considered myself a perfectionist. That label belonged to my sister. I would watch her obsess over every little detail, pouring all her energy into what she did, and it always reflected in the quality of her work. I, on the other hand, was nothing like that. I would finish my work to be done with it, without caring too much about the details. However, as I grow older, I am realizing that I am becoming more and more like my sister, and maybe I am not as far from that perfectionist label then I always thought I was.

I didn't realize how much perfectionism affected me until it pushed me to a breaking point. This moment was when I had a breakdown over completing an application to a competitive summer program. I had been working on the essays for a month and still felt they weren’t right. I went through so much revising and would constantly ask my family after each draft to make sure everything sounded right. My parents became really frustrated with me that I wasn’t just turning the application in so I would be done with it, but I just couldn’t. Even after everyone said it looked good, I kept doubting myself and changing sentences until I had a completely new essay. I stayed up until midnight trying to make my writing perfect, even though it was never going to be perfect. By the end, I was exhausted and mentally drained so I just went to sleep without even turning it in. It wasn’t just about that application, but also the weight of everything else building up at the same time. I was dealing with the pressure of college, expectations, and the constant fear of not being enough no matter how much I tried. This is just one example of how I have seen myself strive for the unachievable perfection in my work and burn out along the way.

Procrastination stems from perfectionism, where the need for it to be great makes me afraid to start for fear of messing up. The things I care the most about are the ones I push off the longest and procrastinate heavily on, because I care so much. Ironically, also when I keep revising an essay to be “perfect,” it ends up being worse. For the essays for that summer application, I tried so hard changing almost every word and sentence for it to sound better that the end draft looked nothing like the beginning, and through the process, I lost myself and the main idea. What was left was an empty piece of writing lacking authenticity and personality.

Perfectionism is an endless, draining cycle that originates from self-doubt. Self-doubt is something I have struggled with all my life. From a young age I have always been compared to my sister, who was “perfect” to my family in nearly all ways. She was the smartest, kindest, and always knew how to act in every scenario. My parents always used her as the standard for everything that I did. No matter how much I studied for a test, and even if I scored good, it wasn’t enough because my sister did better. The comparison took a huge toll on my confidence growing up, and I had to learn to trust myself. Even now, it can be hard for me to speak up about my ideas or keep going when something does not turn out the way I expected.

I don’t think I will ever completely lose that perfectionist part of myself, and maybe I don’t need to. Wanting to do well pushes me to care a lot about my work, and that is something I value about myself. But I am learning that caring does not have to mean tearing myself apart in the process. Confronting my perfectionism means confronting my self-doubt and learning to trust that my best effort is enough, even when it feels uncomfortable to stop. I am still working on the balance between caring and letting go, but for the first time, I am beginning to recognize that progress matters more than perfection.

I am a little over the word limit (691 words right now), so if anyone has feedback I would appreciate it! Thanks!